shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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