she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
