Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
