hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
