Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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