Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
