One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
