I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
