sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
