You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
