so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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