first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Let's get the cat blown out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
