I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
COCAINE IS GR8
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
