I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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