My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
