I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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