I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Sext me about skeletons
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