I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
