I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
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He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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