i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
