We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
