New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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