dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
