I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
