I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
