I smell stomach acid.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
