Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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