just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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