i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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