If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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