I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
