now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
