chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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