We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
