He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
