At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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