So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
