Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i need some magic done to my vagina
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
