I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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