oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
