My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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