So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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