You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
