New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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