I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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