I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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