we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
