I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
