I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
