I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
