just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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