I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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