The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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