As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
