I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
