my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
