U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
