the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
