im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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