I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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