brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
