Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
